Mr. Nathan Oostendorp
Dear Mr. Oostendorp
On behalf of the Oscar W. Pendelhaven Gallery of Fine Art I wish to respond to the several works that you have submitted to our gallery over these last few months. I assure you that we have given careful consideration to each and every one of your pieces, but we regret to inform you that your works will not be shown here. We also request that you please refrain from sending us any more works, as those you have sent were postage due.
I must admit, we found your first submission rather confusing, since we at the Oscar W. Pendelhaven Gallery of Fine Art are accustomed to commercial art targeting business and home decoration. We never expect to receive work such as your "Twelve Large Rats Named Al," which, indeed, consisted of 11 live rats, and one that had apparently deceased during shipping. The rats were, admittedly, large rats and we, while unable to determine their names, are confident that they would, if they could, respond to "Al." Unfortunately, our Director of Receiving suffers from a sort of rat-phobia, and we are unable to return this piece as he attacked and destroyed the entire work with an acetylene torch.
Your second submission, "Life's A Beach," was much easier to handle for our Director of Receiving. However, since it consisted of three solitary grains of sand in a white envelope, we doubt our facilities are properly equipped to display them because of the requirement of a large magnifying lens to see the grains clearly. Again, we are unable to return your work because the three grains were accidentally left on the boardroom table, and apparently were swept off into the carpet.
The next submission "Lots of Styrofoam" directly contrasted the previous one and we were encouraged by your development as an artist. However, our gallery was again unsuitable for display the work, on account of the fact that the three dump trucks of Styrofoam packaging material would fill our facility to roughly 90% capacity if packed floor to ceiling. While we would prefer not to display this work, we would be more than happy to keep it on site, as the mass of packaging is now filling the alleyway between the Oscar W. Pendelhaven Gallery of Fine Art and "Ned's Golden Lanes" and has achieved some success soundproofing our gallery.
"Campbell's Tomato Soup" is the apt title of your next work, being several pictures of tomato soup, an obvious tip-of-the-beret to pop-artist Andy Warhol. However, his successful work "Campbell's Tomato Soup" differs from your work in that the can is represented in the picture, rather than the several canvases drenched in Campbell's Tomato Soup in your piece. It is now being held in our storehouse, and we are awaiting your completion by submission of complimentary saltine crackers.
Your most recent work showed a mastery of line, color, form, and texture. The figures depicted are representational and timeless, surely forming a true art treasure. Unfortunately, Rembrandt has already painted "The Night Watch," and judging by the fact that it was a four inches by two inches printed on glossy paper, we have concluded that this was cut out of page 47 of "A Concise History of Art" published by Harcourt, Brace, and Jovanovich. Nice try, Mr. Oostendorp.
While we recognize your freedom to produce and market your art we request that you please refrain from submitting anything more to our gallery. The aforementioned postage due, combined with our Director of Receiving's increasing reliance on hard liquor, forces us to close this channel of submission.